Oh, what a beacon of moral superiority you are! Your husband, also thinning on top (what a coincidence!), would never dare stoop to such behavior. Not in your perfect world of humility and decorum. No, he would graciously endure relentless public humiliation at the hands of your family because, clearly, being a punching bag is the ultimate mark of good manners. And if he didn’t? Off to Christmas alone he goes! What a festive and supportive partnership you’ve crafted. Truly inspiring.

It must be so comforting for your family to know that no matter how badly they behave, they can count on you to throw your husband under the bus at the first sign of trouble. Loyalty? Empathy? Who needs those when you have the moral high ground?

So yes, let’s all aspire to your approach: enable your family’s rudeness, demand groveling apologies for self-defense, and punish your husband for daring to stand up for himself. Christmas without him? I’m sure he’d miss all the joy and warmth of that environment terribly.

Thank you for that utterly essential context. Without knowing the stark contrasts between your humble origins (no private schools! Cheap Spain holidays!) and the glittering affluence of your current postcode, how could anyone possibly comprehend the intricate dynamics of this family drama? Truly, your willingness to humblebrag about 4x4s, million-pound catchment areas, and sparkling teeth dripping with money has cleared up everything. It’s a wonder your brother-in-law didn’t bow down at your arrival, overcome by the sheer glow of your Nappy Valley radiance.

And of course, it’s deeply important to acknowledge how out of place you feel around people with less. Such self-awareness is admirable. It must be so tough navigating a world where you’re forced to wrestle with both the weight of your success and the pesky burden of explaining it to us mere mortals who don’t automatically associate “teeth” with “wealth.”

As for your “clunky language,” don’t worry about it. Who could ever misinterpret phrases like “drip money” and “million-pound homes” as anything other than deeply relatable and charming? It’s clear you’ve worked hard to bridge the gap between where you’re from and where you are now—though perhaps next time, skip the geography lesson and try a touch of humility instead.

Oh, absolutely, let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer audacity of your brother-in-law in this scenario. Here’s your husband, already feeling vulnerable and self-conscious about his hair, and he’s relentlessly targeted with juvenile jokes about his appearance all evening. What a charming host, really setting the tone for a warm and festive family gathering with his unrelenting “wit.” And yet, somehow, your husband is expected to maintain saint-like composure in the face of this barrage? Right. Because apparently, being bald also means you’re supposed to have the patience of a monk.

Let’s break this down: your brother-in-law was rude, plain and simple. “Mr. Potato Head”? “Slap head”? Are we at a primary school lunch table? The man spent the entire evening using your husband as the butt of his jokes, likely to deflect attention from his own insecurities. Yet now, the spotlight’s on your husband for daring to defend himself? Sure, his comeback was sharp and hit a sore spot—but perhaps that’s what happens when someone keeps poking the bear.

If your brother-in-law can’t handle a reality check about house prices and the costs of hair transplants, maybe he should rethink his strategy of dishing out relentless mockery. It’s a little rich (pun fully intended) to provoke someone, then clutch your pearls when the response isn’t all smiles and chuckles.

And let’s be honest: your husband’s reaction wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t unwarranted either. He’s clearly dealing with something deeply personal and emotional. Nobody likes being reduced to their insecurities, especially in a room full of people. That your brother-in-law chose to zero in on that, repeatedly and in public, was both petty and mean-spirited.

So, no, your husband shouldn’t be groveling for forgiveness here. If anything, your brother-in-law owes him an apology for creating this situation in the first place. Maybe this Christmas, instead of demanding apologies from the man who was provoked, your sister and brother-in-law should reflect on the concept of basic kindness—and the dangers of poking fun at people who might just poke back.

He should just shave his head.

Embrace the bald brotherhood. There is no point fighting it. 

My husband is also thinning on top and very conscious about it. My family are also not as fortunate as we are.

But if he spoke to my family like yours did and refused to make a huge apology to all involved then I would be having Christmas with my family without him.

I think the argument speaks for itself and the two men have to resolve it. Many men in particular never 'apologise' (its not primary school) but have other ways of establishing boundaries or dealing with it.

Both men know full well that you don't start joking about another man's hair loss or financial failures.

The two men have to sort it out and the women stay out of it.
Why does your sister not acknowledge the rude behaviour of her own husband?

There should not be 'intervening' people beyond passing on the message it was stupid , in parent role trying to get their partner to 'say sorry'.
The men were competitive and both got it in the neck from each other and spoilt the do. Immature and need to grow up but i doubt either will be the bigger person so leave them to resolve it!
Just dont accept a repeat!

Thank you for all the replies.

I wanted to address a couple of the comments.

"Your husband sounds like the old Harry Enfield character (I’m considerably richer than you) with all the class of the nouveau riche. "

I can assure you we're very careful not to highlight the comparisons in money there have been some things I can't avoid.

Firstly, we have two nice cars. we don't post about them in social media but you can't hide the age and brand when you pull up to someones house. Secondly, I had a procedure earlier this year. it was something a friend of my sisters also had. I went private and it was sorted in a few weeks, her friend is still waiting months later.

Both these things have led to comment.

We even pretended we went economy this year and got into a moan about legroom on flights with them.

So I can't hide it, although we try to minimise it, well we did until this all kicked off.

25 years ago my brother totally out of the blue ranted and swore at me on the phone over something my mother had said which he completely misinterpreted. I slammed the phone down. He never apologised. It ruined our relationship to the extent I have never met my niece and one of my nephews and my kids have never met their cousins (I don’t think they even know their names.) I know so many people who have fallen out with a sibling. People are stubborn and don’t want to apologise when they think they’re not in the wrong so it’s going to take an effort from you and your sister to bring them together and each apologise to the other. Jump on it now before the animosity festers and your relationship with your sister is damaged irreparably.

Your husband sounds like the old Harry Enfield character (I’m considerably richer than you) with all the class of the nouveau riche. The brother-in-law sounds almost intolerable. In my opinion they are both as bad as each other. A lot of men never seem to fully grow up and I’d count these two amongst them. They obviously don’t like each other and probably never have. Your sister is also a bit to blame - it doesn’t sound as if she made any attempt to shut her husband up.
Once something is said it cannot be unsaid and some
situations cannot be repaired. As neither of them seem prepared to apologise (which I’m not sure would help much anyway) the rest of the family should just ignore the whole thing and carry on as normal. Leave these two children to sort their own problems out. Or not.

Sounds like your talk of ski trips and general comfortable life has been riling your BIL for years, and he’s finally found something to retaliate with.

I agree that your husband needs to make the first move and also apologise to your mum asap.
Can he take your BIL to one side over Xmas, apologise for his behaviour but also say that his comments were v hurtful. I admit this sounds a bit idealistic for two men who clearly wind each other up but someone has to make the first move..

Then maybe think about how money is talked about in the future and tone it down if necessary.

Good luck and happy Xmas!

Hi, just to let you know I have been in a very similar situation with my husband. It wasn’t about his hair but he cannot take being teased by my sister (which is often her way of showing affection/interacting) and has also snapped before. I’ve always wondered how we’re going to recover from it but it ALWAYS blows over eventually…..could you just apologise on his behalf if he refuses and maybe talk to the BIL too?
I’m not quite sure why there is so much defensiveness re your comment re typical NV family. I moved out of there and there is definitely a typical NV family, whether people like it or not!!
Good luck, it will blow over I promise!

Aside from the minor crassness of the “typical” I think a LOT of the responses here are symptomatic of a wider societal challenge men face: their problems (as part of a hugely significant mental health crisis amongst me ) are simply not taken seriously.

Losing one’s hair can be enormously challenging for a lot of men. It feeds into a variety of negative thinking around mortality, virility, and attractiveness. It can feel absolutely awful, and I am hugely sympathetic to anyone who is “triggered” by being openly mocked in public. It is not a minor thing - imagine if one of you peri-menopausal harpies got mocked for being a bit red in the face, or getting a fat arse. It would be grounds for divorce and the end of family Christmases for ever.

Get on the minoxidil asap.

There is only one word we all need to remember - FORGIVENESS. Unless your husband can forgive, the situation will eat away at him and the family….. you have only asked for advice for your husband. It is not for us to tell the brother in law how to behave. But the brother in law will suffer if he cannot do the same. Again speaking only re your husband why does he think he is too “grand” that he cannot apologise, forgive and move on. He does not have to like the brother in law but i assume he at leasts respects your mother? In which case do it for her and you. Does he love you? If so do it for you…..
wow - you have the health of your family and a happy life. Just imagine this was not the case? Come on - tell him to climb down from his ivory tower and apologise before the brother in law shows him how to behave…. Or the family is split for ever…..
go and buy a generous Christmas present and smile….. the brother in law will be embarrassed and hopefully not behave the same again…. If he does all your husband needs to say is “please don’t talk to me like that - I don’t like it” and keep saying it… he will eventually stop. Jealousy is the brother in laws issue and that is about the worst emotion we can all suffer….. good luck and happy Christmas….

I have to say that I think the OP is pretty spot on with the Nappy Valley stereotype, though for some unaccountable reason she has missed out the gym membership and Waitrose - stereotypes develop because there is truth in them.

But there is another side to it too - we have lived around here since the late 1970s and although we f & blind about the 4x4s choking up the roads and parking on the pavements we have stayed because we have also experienced great kindness and generosity.  In our street it was quite amazing how people came together during Covid, and very recently we have personally experienced great kindness, including someone cancelling a 'crappy, cheap Spanish holiday', when illness meant we needed help.

May be the husband and BIL need an evening together in the pub - the husband can buy, since he can obviously afford it ....

Hopefully one or other takes the moral high ground and apologizes, and then they go out for a drink and clear the air.